The phone rang while I was half-asleep. A call in the middle of the night always meant it was from Seoul. My heart sank, thinking something might have happened to my father. I sat up straight and answered.
"It’s me. How have you been?" "What's going on at this hour? Did something happen to Father?" "Oh, you were sleeping. I’m sorry. I forgot about the time difference. I just called because I’ve been feeling so frustrated."
It was my older sister, who lives near my father. Even though I’ve told her countless times that when it’s day in Seoul, it’s night here, she still calls in the middle of the night and scares me to death.
"Is something wrong?" "No, I’m just worried about the kids since I sent them both to New York. I talked to Rin a few days ago, and she said she fought with her brother and moved out. I think I need to get her married off."
"I only got married because I happened to meet a former classmate in New York, but would any parents like an international student who is away from her family? Why don't you come to America, too? All our siblings and nieces are here. Don’t you want to come?" "I’ll go after Father passes away." "Father told me that you moving to America would actually be helping him." "Did he really say that?" "I’m serious. Ask him yourself."
My sister, the eldest, left Korea without a second thought after confirming what I said with my father.
"Father, don't worry. I’ll treat her like a mother and take good care of her." "You’re going to have a hard time. Good luck. Your sister can be very exhausting. I sent someone to fix her broken drain pipe, and she had the nerve to say that God fixed it. She also claimed her stomach ache was cured through prayer. It’s unbelievable. If she weren't educated, I’d understand, but she graduated from a top university. How can she say such ignorant things? All the money I invested in her education was a waste. Since you said you'd take care of her, go ahead and try. It won't be easy. The neighbors feel sorry for me, saying it's sad an old man lives alone while his children are all in America, but I love it. Don't worry about me. I’ve been sleeping peacefully since she left for America."
One day, my husband and I took my sister and her husband on a road trip north. We wanted to cross into Canada to test out their brand-new Green Cards. While we were near the border, a police officer stopped us for a check. I felt a bit nervous as I handed over their Green Cards.
"Have a great trip!" the officer said as he let us through. The years of waiting anxiously for those Green Cards flashed through my mind like a kaleidoscope.
My sister’s Green Card was actually thanks to her daughter, my niece. My niece is quite tall, unlike me. My father used to say that since I was too short and she was too tall, it wouldn't be easy for us to get married in Korea—and that was one of the small reasons why we both ended up leaving.
My mother, who survived the Korean War, always encouraged us to study abroad, fearing that daughters could easily be harmed by soldiers if another war broke out. My father also believed that people need to see the wider world to truly mature. He tried to "cure" his children's perceived flaws by sending them abroad.
My niece came to New York to study right after graduating from college. Besides her studies, she needed to get married, but finding a husband in New York—where there are more women than men—was tough. She was tall and pretty, but she lacked charm and had never even been on a date. To me, she looked like a "stiff sack of grain" just sitting there. I tried to set her up with several men, but she showed no interest. I finally convinced her to keep seeing the third man I introduced. He was very proactive, and after a few more meetings, she began to open up.
While I was busy getting my niece married, my sister and her husband became undocumented. I urged my niece to get her citizenship quickly so she could sponsor her parents. Fortunately, her husband moved quickly, and my sister's couple finally received their Green Cards. Looking back, everything happened so fast. If even one thing had gone wrong, my sister would still be undocumented, and my niece would still be sitting in a corner like a lonely sack of grain.
Whenever we went on trips together, as soon as my husband started the car, I would habitually say: "Alright, let's have a fun trip without any fighting." "You are becoming more like Father every day! You even sound just like him!" my sister would say.
Whenever I visited Korea, my father would take us on trips. Before leaving, he would say: "I’m paying for everything, so eat whatever you want. Just don't fight and let's have a good time."
But small arguments were inevitable. My father, who had an underwhelming only son, always felt discouraged when the topic of his son came up. "What can a sinner like me say? I failed to raise my son well."
He would start the conversation humbly, but if my sister—who married a man he disapproved of—chimed in, he would snap: "And what about you? Good for you that your son is tall. But what’s the point? He’s so tall it’s just a pain to look up at him. I take you on trips and buy you delicious food, but you give all your money to God and nothing to me. Try putting even a tenth of the effort you give to God into me!"
Even my patient sister would get upset when it came to religion. "Father, why do you keep..."
My sister is eight years older than me. Being the eldest, she is kind but completely inflexible. When we were young and our parents called us, she would scowl and ask "Why?" and then get scolded. I would watch her and learn. When my father called me, I would shout "Yes!" and run to him immediately. Then he would hug me and tell me how much he loved me.
Because she couldn't communicate well with our parents, she married a man my father hated and left home right after college. Her hope that she would be loved by her husband away from her parents was shattered. Just as my father predicted, her marriage was not smooth. She fought with her husband constantly and kept coming back to her parents' house, breaking their hearts.
That’s why I wanted her to have a new, happy life in America. "Don't bring your husband when you come to America. Please," I begged her. But she even bought him a plane ticket and brought him along. "I told you not to bring him! Do you still love him?" "No, I'm sick of him. But as a believer, how can I abandon someone who wants to follow me? I just felt sorry for him." "Religion has completely ruined your life," I said.
Even after settling in America, she would call me at all hours to ask for favors. On my bad days, I would lose my temper. "Sister, where is that God you pray to every morning? Why do you keep clinging to me? Ask Him for help!" "You sound exactly like Father."
My sister, who came to America to escape my father's sharp tongue, got caught by mine. I felt bad for her and tried to help, but I couldn't change my personality, which I inherited from my father. She struggled with my harsh words, and I struggled with helping her settle into immigrant life.
"Look at those shooting stars!" In the quiet Canadian countryside, stars poured down from the sky as if welcoming us. "Isn't it great that we're traveling in America thanks to Father?" "I don't think this is thanks to Father. This is all God’s grace."
I was speechless and glared at her for a long time. Then I yelled: "I must be crazy! If your precious God is always with you, why am I the one suffering through all this?"
I missed my mother, who passed away early, and I tried to find that motherly affection in my sister. But I realized that interfering in her life only made things harder for her. If she is happy believing in her Lord, then I should be thankful, just as my father was happy to send her away. "Thank you, Lord, for taking her off my hands. Now I can finally sleep with my legs stretched out."
After that, I stopped calling her. But she called me every other Saturday at 10 a.m. without fail. Then one day, I offered to book a COVID vaccine appointment for her. She wasn't happy about it and acted like she didn't want to get it. "Getting vaccinated as soon as possible is an act of loving your neighbor, which is what your God teaches!" I lectured her like a 'Kkondae' (a preachy older person). Two weeks later, she called again.
"Did you get it?" "Get what?" "The vaccine, obviously." "No." "Why not? What’s the reason?" "I’m waiting for the 'Seal' (In-chim)." "What is a 'Seal'?" "It's a shot given by God."
She started going on about the Book of Revelation and the connection between the vaccine and '666.' Since she was stuck at home during the pandemic, she had been watching YouTube all day and had become a follower of QAnon and a Trump supporter. She ranted about religion and politics, topics I have no interest in. I realized there was no getting through to her. She has her God to give her the 'Seal' and she has Trump to follow, so why was I acting like a 'Kkondae' again? I had momentarily forgotten.
"Auntie, it's Rin. How are you?" It was my niece. "I'm fine. How are you?" "Auntie, no matter how much I tell Mom to get vaccinated, she won't. What should I do?" "I've given up. Your mother has gone too far. She doesn't listen to anyone anymore. Her eyes only light up when she talks about the Lord." "Mom’s application for a senior apartment near me in Chicago was accepted, but I really don't want them living here. I’m embarrassed in front of my in-laws. Please talk to her." "What is there to say? The Lord she believes in will take care of it. Don't worry. Just live your own life. Living well is the best way to be a good daughter."
My husband also called my brother-in-law. "I got the vaccine, but my wife won't listen to anyone. She watches YouTube or does 'tongue prayers' (glossolalia) all day. If she doesn't stop praying, I have to shake her awake. If I can't stand it, I just go outside. We just have to give up."
Through their conversation, I learned that my sister had become a QAnon supporter by watching YouTube all day during the pandemic. Her brand of Christianity and QAnon politics seemed to be a perfect, toxic match. Now, when she calls, I just keep my mouth shut and give half-hearted answers.
"Let’s meet. Let's go to the beach." When she called to ask me to meet, I finally exploded. "Go where? You aren't vaccinated. No!" "I won't catch the virus." "Why? Did you get a revelation from God? Or did you get that 'Seal'?" "I saw it in a dream. It was very clear. Even when Rin couldn't get married, I prayed and got an answer, and she got married." "Sister, Rin got married because I set her up! What does God have to do with this? Ugh, I shouldn't even talk to you."
"I got a letter saying I had to pay more taxes, so I kept praying, and God showed me in a dream. I saw my money floating away in a stream, but then it got caught on a rock and I saved it. Right after that, I got another letter saying I didn't have to pay. The Almighty Lord told me not to worry through that dream."
"Oh, please! That was just a random dream! You were just worried about losing your money, and it showed up in your sleep. Did you really go to college?" "In God's eyes, everyone is like an elementary school student. Unless you are saved and go to heaven... The world is becoming exactly as the Bible says. I’m so worried for you. You have everything, but you aren't saved. I’m not good with words, so I haven't been able to convert you. I pray for your salvation every day. My mother-in-law followed me to church and looked so peaceful when she passed away, like she was going to heaven. But our mother... no matter how much I tried to persuade her, she wouldn't believe. You should have seen her face when she died; she looked terrified, like she was falling into hell."
"Stop it! How can you say that? Are you crazy? Please, don't pray for me. I don't want to go to a heaven where I have to be with you. I’d rather be with my mother. You think I’d believe because you’re good at preaching? No way. If you showed me a good example and lived in harmony with others, I might believe. But ever since you went crazy for church, you’ve clashed with your husband, kids, parents, and siblings. Seeing you unable to even keep a peaceful home makes me lose any faith I might have had."
"Aren't you afraid of God?" "Why should I be afraid of God? You're only afraid because you've been brainwashed at church with anxiety and obsession. My Lord is in the nature I walk through every day, and He wants me to be happy. Do you think I could be this happy just by my own effort? I feel someone invisible helping me, so I offer prayers of gratitude all the time. If I do my best today and live happily in a peaceful home, isn't that heaven?"
"Well, I’ve made many wrong choices in my life and haven't been happy. It's too late for things to get better at my age, so all I can do is follow the words of a fearful God." "Don't you think refusing the COVID vaccine is another wrong choice?" "No. I have firm faith that choosing the 'Seal' is the one right choice I've finally made."
"You said it was a right choice when you ran away from home to marry a man Father hated. Your continuous wrong choices made you who you are today. You still don't realize it. You ignore reality and only care about going to heaven. Has your home ever been happy? You fight with your husband every single day."
"I don't listen to the words of people. I only listen to the word of God. My 'tongue prayers' are going so well lately. It’s my greatest joy. It takes a lot of energy to fight off the evil spirits that try to distract me, but when I focus, I feel like I could fly. Sometimes I’m so happy that I start praying loudly on the street and have to catch myself."
"What if people report you for being crazy? Do you want to be dragged to a mental hospital? Well, I guess you’d like it there since nobody would stop you from praying. If you're so happy with that, why do you keep calling me and making me miserable? Let’s just stop interfering in each other’s lives and find happiness with our own versions of God. Don't call me anymore."
"Is it really that hard for you when I call?" "Don't you know? As long as I don't clash with you, my life is satisfying and happy. After I talk to you, I feel drained for days, like I’ve been haunted by evil spirits. Now I fully understand why Father said he could finally sleep in peace after you left for America."
"Can't we just stop talking about religion and keep calling each other?" "No. Every time we talk, you bring up God, and now you want to add all that political nonsense you heard on YouTube? This pandemic and YouTube are really ruining people. Please, just enjoy it by yourself. Don't call me. This is the end."
Even though I told her not to call, her call came again. "Did you call me?" "Why would I? I told you it's over. Please, just leave me alone. It’s over. Over!"
How can someone who can't even keep their own home peaceful think they can save anyone else? It’s frustrating to have her obsessed with QAnon and politics, throwing stones into the quiet lake of my daily life. I’d rather clean toilets than listen to that nonsense.
'Lord, I need to survive too. Please, take care of my sister for me. Amen.'
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